The City, the greatest American television show since Mad Men/The Sopranos/The Wire, is back on MTV at 10pm tonight. But please: Avoid Bromance at all costs.
So much for rolling into 2009 free of Joey Vento posts.
The skit featured Vento popping out of the top of a float labeled “Gewizno’s Steaks” with a “When ordering, speak English” sign. Vento waved a poster reading, “What?” and tossed fake cheesesteaks into the crowd.
Then an announcer for B. Love Strutters cried out, “Uh-oh, here comes the Border Patrol!” Club members wearing Texas-sized cowboy hats and brandishing wooden rifles pretended to hold back a rioting crowd of “immigrants” from storming the border “fences.” As the immigrants burst forth, they traded in their country’s flag for an American flag, and a Mummer dressed as President-elect Barack Obama handed out Green Cards.
What might might have gotten lost in the story of Judge Fox’s injunction against the library closings last week might have been just how eloquent the decision itself was. We’ve heard a lot of people talk about these closings in the last two months, but we’ve seldom heard this kind of clarity of thought about it all, and what it really means. To wit:
The decision to close these eleven branch libraries is more than a response to a financial crisis; it changes the very foundation of our City. Two of the libraries scheduled to close, Haddinton and Holmesburg, will result in a reversion of the property back to the original grantor because of deed restrictions. No one questions the economic crisis which has rocked both the City and the Nation. However, we are a Nation of hope. A “crisis” evokes something temporary. Defendants argued there were more than enough libraries in Philadelphia. “Philadelphia has more libraries than any other city in the country.” Our library system is more than a century old yet in three short months an economic crisis results in permanently closing eleven branches. This court does not envy the Mayor and the tough decisions he has had to make in this financial crisis. Yet, as this court is bound to follow the law, so is the Mayor. The permanent closing of neighborhood branch libraries is changing the very structure of the Free Library of Philadelphia and not just responding to a “financial crisis.”
Look: We’re not even gonna act like we understand/care about/pay much attention to The Football — it’s like war and math all in one sport, yuck — but we will say this: That Asante Samuel is ONE! PRETTY! MAN! Samuel, it turns out, is something of the Jimmy Rollins of the Iggles — that is, the intrepid soul who, when he signed to the team, said he did so because he liked the chances of the team getting to the SuperBowl this year. That’s not quite saying that the Eagles are “the team to beat,” but it’s close enough that it got him ridiculed. Well, after his interception yesterday (ooh, a football word!), Samuel brought the Igz that much closer. But what is really wowing us about him is this whole DeBarge/Jermaine Stewart vibe he brings to the game. It makes us wanna dance and party all night. And drink some cherry wine.
The good news: Depending on what your local trash day is, weekly recycling begins TODAY! Woo! The bad news: We have no idea whether city employees will pick up your Nutter if you put him out on the curb. Depending on the condition he’s in, you could even be fined.
We only mention it because we know there’s someone you’re still on the hook for an Xmas gift — isn’t Russian Orthodox Christmas tomorrow? — but over the holidays, our friends at Outlaw Print Co. released a bunch of new gear. This Philadelphia Neighborhood Map print, 16 inches wide by 35 inches long and in a series of only 60, caught our eye. We can’t see up close, but it seems like they’ve finally drawn some kind of line — mostly just straight horizontal ones, which is pretty funny — around what neighborhoods end where, presumably shutting up legions of PhillyBlog commenters in the process. Holy shit, it really is still Christmas!
You know, it’s hard to imagine now, when WMGK runs those limp teasers of John DeBella making warmed-over dick jokes on his current morning show, but DeBella once ran this town. And then, he didn’t. Last week, Sirius ran Act II of “The History Of Howard Stern“, a radio documentary/best-of that covers the holiday break for Stern’s daily show. And submitted for your approval below is the segment on the Philly Funeral for DeBella, wherein Stern, the Wack Pack and then-white-hot celeb Jessica Hahn led thousands in a chant of “YOU SUCK!” outside WMMR’s studios. It was pretty much the end of the Morning Zoo , and one could argue that Philly radio hasn’t been the same since. But maybe not. “This jackass has been lingering like a bad fart in a Mexican locker room,” Stern says at the funeral. Well, more than 20 years later, DeBella still is.
Hi, everybody! Sweeney here. Happy New Year! And after two entire weeks of pretty much nothing but watching ABCFamily and Nat Geo, I am pleased to report that I’m well rested and ready to get back to your Philebritizing needs. Just a few quick housecleaning matters: God, it’s a mess in here. And we’re actually going to fix it: For the first time in forever, we are contemplating a small-to-medium-sized redesign of Philebrity, and we’d like to hear from you. What are some things you’d like to see here? What are we not doing that we should be? All of that kind of stuff. And while we have your ear, let’s mention it because we haven’t in, oh, about two years: SEND US YOUR TIPS! Your cameraphone pics, your rumors and hearsay, your links to whathaveyou, even questions for Dr. Philebrity. (Oh shit, remember him?) We want it all. So send it to tips[at]philebrity[dot]com. Thanks everybody for making 2008 our biggest year ever, and what say we make 2009 hot like 2005? But hotter. Now, on with the show!
FRIDAY:
>>> Ssssshhh. Listen. Can you year that lonely wind a-blowin’? It’s the hole in the space/time/party continuum where Things That Go In Weekend Picks used to be. It’s the cosmic fallout of Christmas and New Year’s falling close to weekends, wherein DJs blow their loads in the high hopes of an NYE full-January bailout and indie rock bands give up altogether finally give their poor, beleaguered girlfriends some face time. It’s a special time, but what no one could have counted on was this fact: The NYE-to-Monday, Jan. 5 canyon is a perfect window in which to admit we are all sick of each other and going out finally does not seem like such an awful idea. Because we have gotten to the end of television, there’s nothing left apparently, and whatever we didn’t drink on NYE was slowly, deliberately, quietly tended to yesterday. And this canyon we speak of is a perfect partytime vacuum in which nothing at all that requires your brain to function on a high level can or will happen. The point? Whosoever was intrepid enough to book and promote an event this weekend could seriously clean up, ‘cos ain’t shit happening. Let’s look at tonight’s contenders:
· South Philly: Start it out on First Friday at Sweet Jane with co-ed psychedelic jewelry First Friday, and then, P.O.P.E.? (Call me.)
· North-ish Philly: Start it out at our new favorite art/media/whatevs boutique Juanita and Juan’s for the opening ofRadio Silence: A Selected Visual History of American Hardcore Music featuring photography hung by the authors as well as a special performance by Ian Svenonius from Nation Of Ulysses/Soft Focus. 7pm.
· DJ Deejay’s Friday I’m In Love Party (Cure, Depeche Mode, New Order, etc.) at The Raven.
· The YouTube Smackdown at Johnny Brenda’s, wherein “you can come out with your friends and flaunt your knowledge of the hidden corners of YouTube on our big 12′ projector screens upstairs at JB’s. There will be a contest section where you can show your best set of videos from the 1980’s (up to a maximum of 5 minutes of videos) and compete against others for the chance to be the ultimate YouTube geek (at least until the next Smackdown).” Translation: Do in a bar exactly the only things you have done on a computer in the last two weeks!
· I totally just de-Facebooked Jay Yoo because I’m trying to keep it real in there (Tommy Up, you are totally next — why can’t motherfuckers just make a subscription page like everybody else does?), but that should not take away from the fact that Claire Hux are really pretty awesome and guest at 4AM at Silk City.
· And of course, Sex Dwarf @ Fluid.
SATURDAY:
>>> After our (and everyone else’s) obit on the Orange Monster, well, you knew this was coming: The Farewell To Sparks Party. So which regular DJ night finally drew the short straw for it? Hurrah at Medusa, who made up for the lack of imagination on the night’s basic concept with what we must admit is a pretty classic flyer. Click to enlarge, and re-live the graphic aesthetics of what we shall now look back on fondly as The Sparks Era. DJ Shawn Ryan is your tripmaster through this age.
>>> Here’s the part where we tip our hats to the Beretta 76/Doughboys/Jukebox Zeroes show at JB’s for the rockists among us and that one bitter old prick from Jukebox Zeroes sends us an email about how much we suck and why don’t we write about these bands more and oh, The Olds. They’re still so salty. ‘Swonderful!
SUNDAY:
Our own Joey Sweeney gently re-enters civilization with a guest DJ set at Drew Mills‘ Sunday night regular at 700. Hendricks martini, cloudy as fuck with a smashed olive, please, and turn up that John Cale record, would you?
Regular posting will resume on Philebrity on Monday, January 5th. We hope you all had a righteous holiday season. We’ve got a lot of exciting things in store for you in the new year, and really, we just can’t wait to 2009 all over you. Happy New Year, everybody!
Woohoo! Judge Heidi Fox, we could kiss ya right now:
Mayor Nutter cannot close 11 branches without first getting Philadelphia city council approval.
The end result, all of the branches slated to be permanently closed as of New Years Eve will remain open.
[...]The judge focused her entire case on an ordinance from 1988, a section in an ordinance, section 16-43, that says any city owned building cannot be abandoned or closed without city council approval.
The sole upshot of Great Depression 2.0 will undoubtedly be the filthy lucre fed to writers in return for a spate of trend pieces detailing All The Crazy Ways That We Have To Live Now That Everything’s Gone To Shit. In this new realm, special notice should be handed out early to the Wall Street Journal’s Gary Fields — Fields offers up this profile of laid-off upper-middle-classers pawning Movado Fiero watches and other things today. And special attention is given to Society Hill Loan on South Street where, SHL owner Nat Leonard is quick to note, they don’t really move too many Movados, so, uh, no thanks. It’s more of an XBox/old guitars/shrunken head vibe. WSJ: So You’ve Decided To Sell Your Expensive And Useless Shit To Pay Your Mortgage
Since Friday, the average price per gallon for regular unleaded has fallen by 2 cents in Pennsylvania and the five-county Philadelphia region and by 3 cents in Delaware, New Jersey and South Jersey. The current average price per gallon is now $1.46 in South Jersey, $1.50 statewide in New Jersey, $1.56 in Delaware, $1.70 in Pennsylvania and $1.71 in the Philadelphia region.
1. Years ago, a friend of a friend knew a guy whose girlfriend was obsessed from afar with Brad Pitt. At first, it was normal enough — collecting magazines, buying DVDs — but over the period of a year or so, the girlfriend suffered a paranoid schizophrenic breakdown in which she came to believe that Pitt had been sending her signals through the media, reciprocating her love. In the process, she broke up with her real boyfriend, travelled to the West Coast in a fog of madness, and eventually was arrested outside Pitt’s home. Not to say that this guy is like that girl, but moreover, it just goes to show that there’s all kinds of people who DON’T LIKE YOU TALKING WHILE A MOTHERFUCKING BRAD PITT MOVIE IS ON SO COULD YOU PLEASE JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP PLEASE? 2. Is merely shooting someone in the arm still a prosecutable offense in Philadelphia? Just curious. It wasn’t even the guy’s right arm. 3. I sincerely hope that someone in James Cialella’s (pictured) family sneaks him a bootleg copy of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button into the hoosegow, because after all this, it would be really fucked up if he had to wait for an official DVD release to find out how the movie ends. 4. As despicable as they may be, perhaps some crimes should be automatically forgiven if they, as this one does, so perfectly capture a civic zeitgeist. It’s not fair, James Cialella’s spirit cries out over the city. It’s just not fair.
Philebrity is a cityblog covering the arts, gossip and media in Philadelphia. We've been here since October 2004, and we'll be here long after you move back to New York. Got a tip? Send it to tips[at]philebrity.com.
NOTICE:Interns wanted.
So much for rolling into 2009 free of Joey Vento posts.
What might might have gotten lost in the story of
Look: We’re not even gonna act like we understand/care about/pay much attention to The Football — it’s like war and math all in one sport, yuck — but we will say this: That Asante Samuel is ONE! PRETTY! MAN! Samuel, it turns out, is something of the Jimmy Rollins of the Iggles — that is, the intrepid soul who, when he signed to the team, 
We only mention it because we know there’s someone you’re still on the hook for an Xmas gift — isn’t Russian Orthodox Christmas tomorrow? — but over the holidays, our friends at 
You know, it’s hard to imagine now, when WMGK runs those limp teasers of John DeBella making warmed-over dick jokes on his current morning show, but DeBella once ran this town. And then, he didn’t. Last week, Sirius ran Act II of “
Hi, everybody! Sweeney here. Happy New Year! And after two entire weeks of pretty much nothing but watching ABCFamily and Nat Geo, I am pleased to report that I’m well rested and ready to get back to your Philebritizing needs. Just a few quick housecleaning matters: God, it’s a mess in here. And we’re actually going to fix it: For the first time in forever, we are contemplating a small-to-medium-sized redesign of Philebrity, and we’d like to hear from you. What are some things you’d like to see here? What are we not doing that we should be? All of that kind of stuff. And while we have your ear, let’s mention it because we haven’t in, oh, about two years: SEND US YOUR TIPS! Your cameraphone pics, your rumors and hearsay, your links to whathaveyou, even questions for Dr. Philebrity. (Oh shit, remember him?) We want it all. So send it to tips[at]philebrity[dot]com. Thanks everybody for making 2008 our biggest year ever, and what say we make 2009 hot like 2005? But hotter. Now, on with the show!
Woohoo! Judge Heidi Fox, we could kiss ya right now: 
The sole upshot of Great Depression 2.0 will undoubtedly be the filthy lucre fed to writers in return for a spate of trend pieces detailing All The Crazy Ways That We Have To Live Now That Everything’s Gone To Shit. In this new realm, special notice should be handed out early to the Wall Street Journal’s Gary Fields — Fields offers up 
1. Years ago, a friend of a friend knew a guy whose girlfriend was obsessed from afar with Brad Pitt. At first, it was normal enough — collecting magazines, buying DVDs — but over the period of a year or so, the girlfriend suffered a paranoid schizophrenic breakdown in which she came to believe that Pitt had been sending her signals through the media, reciprocating her love. In the process, she broke up with her real boyfriend, travelled to the West Coast in a fog of madness, and eventually was arrested outside Pitt’s home. Not to say that this guy is like that girl, but moreover, it just goes to show that there’s all kinds of people who DON’T LIKE YOU TALKING WHILE A MOTHERFUCKING BRAD PITT MOVIE IS ON SO COULD YOU PLEASE JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP PLEASE?
