BY JOEY SWEENEY | It is a tale as old as time: You’re out on a post-dinner walk around the neighborhood with friends, when suddenly, you come across a coven of very cute city raccoons who then attack you. Not familiar with that one? Well, welcome to Philadelphia, my friend, where last weekend in South Philadelphia, our friend Ben had exactly this type of encounter:

As you can see, the assembled group of humans come across a nursery of raccoons – that’s the appropriate term, FYI — and very quickly, things go from “Awww, they’re filthy and cute!” to bloodshed. (Not for nothing, this sequence also describes a commonplace set of interactions between New Philadelphians and Native Philadelphians.) At any rate, Ben was assaulted, bitten, and sent scurrying to the hospital, where — to complete the very Philadelphia-ness of this story — he was attended to by a nurse practitioner with whom he went to high school. You can view the saga in full here on TikTok. 

Lest you think this kind of raccoon-on-person violence is extraordinarily uncommon, well, it is. But it’s certainly not unheard-of. Some headlines from the last decade or so:

Baby attacked by raccoon, dragged out of bed in Philadelphia (Dec 2017)

'Bizarre' rabid beaver attacks 3 in Philly park (June 2011)

And if you’re reading this in the suburbs and rolling your eyes, thinking, “wahhhhhh Larry Krasner,” 1) fuck you and 2) the suburbs aren’t safe either:

Community on alert after woman bitten by rabid raccoon in Swarthmore (June 2019)

Our friend Ben, since his bite, has undergone a series of shots just to make sure he’s not caught rabies from his abuser. Rabies cases in PA are rare, but they do happen — there were 48 in the state back in March alone. So if you come into contact with any animals you suspect to be actively rabid, watch out. Signs may include:

• Aggression

• Loss of fear

• Daytime activity by a nocturnal species

• Attraction to noise and human activity

• Excessive vocalization

• Dilated pupils

• Difficulty swallowing

• Loss of appetite

• Restlessness

• Biting at objects or other animals

• May or may not drool

See previous remark about New vs. Native Philadelphians. And if indeed you wind up with a raccoon situation, here’s some handy info from ACCT Philly regarding what to do about them (or, as it happens, bats).

What does it all mean? Hard to say. But the message is plain: Local raccoons have had enough of your shit, people.