COMPILED BY PHILEBRITY STAFF | There was disagreement right off the bat, and we are quite sure that it will continue. “Why is my town Neutral Evil?,” asked one of our panelists upon seeing the first draft of the chart above. “Well, it’s nice and all, but there’s some real deal patriarchal no booze laws, and not for nothing, it is lightly MAGA in overall vibe,” we said. “Pfft,” they said. “All of South Jersey is ‘lightly MAGA.’” They did in fact have a point there. We had to go back and adjust accordingly, as we would do several times in the course of putting together this chart. 

Politics is exactly the kind of thing folks go to the beach to avoid, but don’t get it twisted: The beach — our Philly-adjacent New Jersey beaches, at least — are deeply politicized spaces. As soon as we began talking with folks — informally with our “panelists” as is our method and then later with a few devoted readers on Twitter Spaces — it became clear that What We Talk About When We Talk About The Beach is all about accessibility, as well as history. Margate, for instance, is beloved by Philly’s Jewish community because in an earlier time, it was one of the few NJ beaches where Jews were welcome. Atlantic City, though it’s not without its very real issues, is the platonic ideal of accessibility: A $9 NJ Transit train will take you there from 30th St. Station and back several times daily, and the beaches are free. 

These were great conversations, with panelists and readers alike, and it made us think about the NJ beaches in ways we hadn’t before, whether we were considering what one of us called “Blue Lives Matter Beach” in North Wildwood, or how outrageous wealth oddly casts a big pall over the vibe in places like Avalon. All things considered, though, we think what we have here is a reasonable, and reasoned, documentation of the prevailing vibes of the above shore towns. 

But we know you will disagree. Enjoy! 

Some further notes:

Lawful Good — Strathmere: Strathmere has like 2 bars (we’re thinking of the beloved Deauville Inn and Twisties), it’s a pain in the ass to get two (which means fewer vistors), and it’s one of the few shore towns left where you can claim poor phone service and have it not be a lie. If that doesn’t sound like “Lawful Good,” well then we just don’t know what is. 

Lawful Neutral — Cape May: “It’s got a lot of lawful good in it,” said one reader in our Twitter Spaces: “there’s beach tags, the tide pool at Cove Beach, and so on.” What put it into neutral for us, though, was expanding crowds, and price: You can go through an awful lot of money in Cape May, and quickly. (Although not at Hot Dog Tommy’s.)Even still, it’s one of the few shore towns that legitimately does have something for everybody. 

Lawful Evil — LBI: There’s an edge to LBI that is subtext to all conversations around it. For one thing, there seems to be a silent agreement made 100 years ago that this was the true dividing line between where Philadelphians and New Yorkers go, with both groups in attendance at all times in this one town. Not a great vibe. Add to it the presence of profound wealth on the one end of the island, and the douchebag ration goes right up. Also, the greenhead flies are murderous. Rich people have poor taste and make bad decisions. 

[See also: Why Don't Philadelphians Go To Northern Jersey Beaches?]

Neutral Good — Margate: As mentioned above, Margate is beloved by our Jewish friends, and plenty of others. Because of its proximity to AC, it’s easy to get to, and you won’t go broke there, either. 

True Neutral — Ocean City: Newly designated as AirBNB’s most booked destination in the U.S.,  it’s got a great boardwalk (shout out to the Surf Mall!) and absolutely nothing fancy. It’s got a massive Catholic population which, for the lapsed Catholics among us, is mildly entertaining. There’s no booze, and yet we’ve seen people get end-of-the-world drunk there more than any other shore town we’ve ever been to. It’s Ocean City. It’s the shore. If they had to vaccinate you against it, here’s where they’d draw the sample. 

Neutral Evil — Sea Isle City: What is it about this damned town? When one of our panelists was in his 20s, a friend took LSD there and didn’t come down for three months. That bad trip-ness was reflected in another panelist’s unbidden and immediate rant: “Sea Isle is a fucking ball of flames. People piled on top of each other, bougie families and alligator-wearing bros. It’s disgusting.” 

Chaotic Good — Atlantic City: As noted above, AC is tops when it comes to accessibility. The chaos begins the moment you get off the train. Accept it into your spirit. Good luck! 

Chaotic Neutral — Wildwood: The boardwalk, the wild mix of people, hell, even that doo-wop architecture. It’s like if “Surfin’ Bird” was a place. 

Chaotic Evil — Avalon/Stone Harbor (tie): We end where we began — that push and pull between the beach and privilege. These towns are long on both, and while we love those Avalon beaches, the town feels longer on wealth and privilege, to its detriment. If you have the means, I dunno, maybe?, but every place you go is gonna feel like waiting in line at a Starbucks in Gladwyne. Sorry, nah, but if you’re here, the silver lining is: You’re rich, bitch!

Previously: The Philebrity Alignment Chart: Coffee Shops

Next up: ITALIAN RESTAURANTS.