COMPILED BY PHILEBRITY STAFF | Like many other major metropolitan cities around the world, Philadelphia is awash in coffee, hot and cold and just about every which way you can think of — high-end scientific coffee, MFA-ish pour-over coffee, chain coffee, mom-and-pop coffee and even, though it’s more rare with each passing day, garbage coffee in a styrofoam cup. Across this spectrum, there is nuance, personality, sometimes even politics. Suffice it to say that, like record stores and bookshops, coffee shops have souls. Each one is a character that tells you about itself in every aspect of itself, from its baristas to its napkins to its bathrooms. 

With so much character in play, it’s only fitting that we begin our new series of Philebrity Alignment Charts with one on the rich and diverse world of Philly coffee. For the uninitiated, these alignment charts have their origins in Dungeons & Dragons, but in recent years have become popular as a way to describe, well, just about everything. 

A note about our methodology: Vibes, basically. Each of us has experienced a vast array of Philly coffee shops over a compiled period of decades. We know how to read the signs. And as you can see above, these are what the signs have told us. For instance: Sorry, OCF — if you do not like this vibe, get another vibe. 

Now that we are fully in the weeds of this, we should also share some of our team’s notes about, and links to, each of the shops mentioned above. Here’s what our various team members had to say about them:

Gleaners Cafe: “Possibly the warm-n-fuzziest shop on the list. Cold brew $3? These are good people.” 

Ultimo (East Passyunk): “Scientific. Lab vibes.”

Old City Coffee (Old City): “‘Evil’ only in the sense that their regular drip of Old City Blend is absolute, balls-to-the wall jet fuel. Be prepared!” 

Rival Bros.: “It is stately, and so clean I’d consent to having surgery here.”

La Colombe (6th & Market): “Pretty sure this is the waiting room after you die. There’s also always lots of reporters here, so assume you died famous.”

OCF Coffee House (All locations): “Y’all have too many empty expensive houses sitting empty. Please put your coffee energy into pricing these homes responsibly and selling them.”

Function Coffee Labs: “Crazy like a fox, Function conjures unusual and winning flavor combinations. A recent iced lemon walnut latte blew our minds.”

Grindcore House (South Philly): “It’s lovably scruffy, like your activist aunt’s rescued mutt.”

Starbucks (13th & Chestnut): “If you’re here, you’re fucked.”

So there you have it. You may disagree, you may have additions, and that is all part of the fun. But know this: We’re not wrong. We’re like you. We’re experts.

Next up: ITALIAN RESTAURANTS.