BY JOEY SWEENEY | A few years back, certain members of the Philly populace among us found a way to draw attention, and ultimately remedy, particularly grievous potholes around the city. (There are many, and often go unfixed by the powers that be for months and years at a time.) 

They spray painted dicks on them. Or anuses. Or, to be more accurate, the integrated them or made them essential elements in their literally street-level artistic expressions. The pothole might become a gaping urethra, or one sad testicle, or… you get the idea. And for a time, anecdotally, it seemed to work. 

But today we live in a new reality: One where sinkholes have increased in number and thus gained greater influence over the powers that be, and good luck with your measly pothole. All of which is to say: Philly’s got road probs, and if you think they’re hard on cars, on a bike they can be Class Action Park-level dangerous. And you can either like it or lump it.

Consider this event, then, as lumping it, or bumping it: Bumpspringa, which occurs on Sunday November 7th as part of the Philly Bike Expo, and is described as follows:

Ride Philly’s most HISTORIC and LUMPIEST streets on this (approx. 11 mi.) jawnt around our northern and central zones. Cobbles, Belgium block, railroad tracks, pallets, potholes, old Camaro mufflers, and lovely piles of gravel await you and your (chunky-tired, please) bike on the queasy-paced ride that we hope will get us to the Philly Bike Expo around opening time.

We advise: tighten all fasteners and bring: helmet, water, spare tube/tools, sense of humor.

That’s good advice. And not just for this particular ride.

Here’s the route in full, if you’re curious.

BUMPSPRINGA • 2021 • NOTE ride sidewalk if one-way street goes the wrong way.

START: ORKNEY PARK, 854 N. Orkney St.

L (north) Orkney L Myrtle R 5th. R Poplar. QL St. John Neumann Way. X 4th, BR S/O St. John Neumann Way. L 3rd QR Liberties Walk X Bodine, American R 2nd … Then THROUGH Piazza (USE 2nd entrance L ) R (south) on Germantown Ave. R south on Front St. L Poplar Q L Canal. R Laurel QL around to Frankford [under 95] THEN R Wildey [optional shortcut thru pkg lot]. L PALMER . R Belgrade • • Walk past PALMER CEMETERY, est’d 1732 as Kensington Burial Ground. L Berks •••• R Blair QL Hewson . Q R b/c TRENTON AVE. Rally to traffic circle

At Kensington’s FIRST TRAFFIC CIRCLE correctly known as a ROUNDABOUT ••• Use the central cobbled portion to circle til entire group is together. R Lehigh••• to 95 ••• R under I-95 CAUTION, note: Big DROP-OFFS and etc. every block. REGROUP at 1st Light. Cumberland X Richmond to Beach [GRAFFITI PIER] [optional] FOLLOW Beach L to S/O Beach, R to S/O Beach to L Richmond SIDEWALK. L Dyott [KAWA TRADING] B/C Beach past DELAWARE GENERATING STATION. Sharp L onto bike path into PENN TREATY PARK if trail blocked, may be path on L thru closer to river. Use River Trail S. Behind Casino. FOLLOW ALONG CASINO TO MAIN EXIT .X Delaware Ave. at Trolley Loop. Laurel to QR Canal St. “It’s worse this way!” R Poplar. L Front X Spring Garden X Callowhill, etc. WOOD STREET STEPS. R Water St. on SIDEWALK ! L B/C Summer R on SIDEWALK Delaware Ave. Kink hard L to Front. R DISMOUNT, grate!! at Elfreth’s Alley QR BLADEN COURT R Elfreth’s Alley. L 2nd St. QL Little Boys Way QR Cuthbert QL b/c American QL Filbert ( T ) QR American QR Church to R 3rd, Hard QR Filbert Alley clear to R 2nd St. X Chestnut at Customs House, R Ionic Alley R Front. Dock BL (CURB CUT) ramp to Korean War Mem. Park BR to exit narrow ramp (or steps) to R Dock to X Walnut by Movie House, to SECOND NATIONAL BANK and FOOTDOWN [These are first real cobbles] R Walnut West, R 7th, L Sansom L 8th R Walnut to R Broad and continue to: PHILLY BIKE EXPO VIA CITY HALL COURTYARD / N. Broad to Race St. [END]