Dear Passionate Member of a Political Cause Not Deemed Worthy of Real Acknowledgment on the DNC Platform,

Welcome to Mayor Jim Kenney’s DNC Free Speech Zone! And on behalf of all Philadelphians, welcome to Philadelphia. It’s important for us to start there, because, as you look around your immediate environs, you may be wondering if indeed you are even in Philadelphia. Let us first put you at rest by assuring you that you are — in FDR Park, to be specific. 

For decades, FDR Park — known back then, charmingly, as “South Philly Lakes” — was host to junkies, sad fishermen and families who’d wandered there by mistake. But today, it’s known around the world as a place where 30-year-old grown-ass men film themselves skateboarding, for eventual uploading to YouTube. When we heard you were coming, we immediately thought, “Oh yes, let’s put them… there!”

And so, welcome to Mayor Jim Kenney’s DNC Free Speech Zone! Importantly, Mayor Jim Kenney’s DNC Free Speech Zone  — let’s call it MJKDNCFSZ for short, it really rolls off the tongue, no? — is geographically close to the sports complex where the main DNC events will be held, but also (and this is just as important) completely invisible to/out of earshot from any delegates or press who might be coming in and out of DNC events. This is because, like you, we also regard the DNC as a solemn occasion, and a time for grave, silent reflection that should be unsullied by the loud, messy political speech we really and truly do believe is your basic right. 

As you’ll notice, MJKDNCFSZ is chopped up into a few different zones, each more obscure than the last. We encourage you to take the challenge that those obscure locations pose, and turn them into strengths! Though, again, it is extremely unlikely any media or Democratic Party delegates or candidates will be able to see or hear you, you may use these spaces creatively within the context of your previously approved rally or protest to differentiate your cause. We suggest tactics like:

• telepathic lobbying
• protestful supersilence
• or just enjoying all the city has to offer, like Center City Sips or our vibrant street art scene!

It is our sincere hope that you’ll enjoy your time spent in Mayor Jim Kenney’s DNC Free Speech Zone! And we do hope that those of you committed to political action for many years will find it more welcoming than similar zones in previous years, such as Mayor John Street’s RNC Free Speech Zone, or Mayor Frank Rizzo’s Free Speech Zone.

Once again, welcome to Mayor Jim Kenney’s DNC Free Speech Zone! Please visit the gift shop on your way out, and please remember that you must be out of the park by 10pm, as overnight, packs of wild ghost dogs gnash human bones, howl in a deeply primal way, and haunt the dreams of all of us.

Sincerely,

The Management