Places We Can’t Understand: The Fifth Street Tunnel

I mean, yes, we understand it: The Fifth Street Tunnel is there so you can zoom from Old City straight through to Northern Liberties while the rest of the lemmings clog the foot of the Ben Franklin Bridge. That much we get. But do ever get the feeling that the Fifth Street Tunnel isn’t telling you something about itself? Better still, have you ever ridden your bike through the thing? Drunk or going in the wrong direction? We will contend that this is easily more horrifying than that slingshot ride down in Ocean City, and it’s free. Plus, it comes with the added extra of never really knowing whether or not a homeless ghoul is gonna pop out at you from one of those columns. We bring it up because the tunnel is closed today due to bridge inspections, which also seems weird. It’s not the bridge. It’s not even part of the bridge. AND, conspiracy buffs, don’t you think it’s just a little too close to the U.S. Mint for comfort? I mean, who’s to say that you couldn’t fall down a manhole down there and find yourself in Dick Cheney’s Secret Poker Game? Anything can happen down there, people, and it’s best you just get in and out of there as quickly as you can. The Fifth Street Tunnel: It’s Philly’s Scary Vagina. And we just can’t get enough of it.
Previously: Places We Can’t Understand: The Back Room At Lorenzo’s

Is there a Place You Can’t Understand in Philly? Some nook or cranny that makes no sense whatsoever? Let us know about it at tips[at]philebrity[dot]com.

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Attn. Citizens: For The Last Time, The Iroquois Sculpture Is Not, Repeat NOT, A Jungle Gym

[Photo credit: HughE Dillon]

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Gone Fishin’

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Leak Of The Week: Spinto Band, “Summer Grof”

When last we checked in on the Delaware/Philly international sensation the Spinto Band, they’d just inked with the Park The Van label, and were preparing their next record, entitled Moonwink. Well, as the record’s October 7 release date looms, it looks as though the ink is dry and that shit is prepared, son! In late September, the Spintos embark on what the old rockists used to call a “world tour,” back when the “world” was the U.S., England, on stretching on into Eastern Europe. But the real story is Moonwink, because we have this creeping feeling it’s going to be kind of awesome: Produced by Dave Trumfio (Wilco, Built To Spill, Billy Bragg, Mates of State) and mixed by Tchad Blake (Tom Waits, Los Lobos, Cibo Matto, Paul Simon), it’s sounding like every bit the blockbuster, taking that high mandolin sound of the first record and wiring it for a very decidedly Now Sound. Like in this track we just snagged, called “Summer Grof.”

We’re getting a very by-the-light-of-the-silvery-Nintendo here. We like it. We’re psyched.

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Text Messages From The Damned: Something Tells Me It’s All Happening At The… Riverview

This just in:

Holy shit, there’s a busload of, um, retarded folk protesting Tropic Thunder down at the ol’ Riverview. Stompin’ around with signs, hollerin’!

The odd part: We don’t recognize the number. Still even more odd: Who in the hell goes to the Riverview at lunchtime on a Wednesday?

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Noontime Nuggetz: Philebrity Does Not Acknowledge Any Talking Phillies Bottle Opener That Does Not Feature The Voice Of Harry Kalas

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Neighborhood Watch: Cleaning Up The Mess

SOUTH STREET: The vacant lots on 17th & South and 18th & South are rumored to have new buildings in the works. “The NW corner of 17th and South has approved plans for commercial first floor and condos above, pretty nice plans from what I remember,” says one PhillyBlog scoop-ist. “The owner of the lot is from NY and was asking around $1,000,000 for the property, which seemed a bit excessive to me (and apparently the rest of the market!). The SW corner of 18th ad South is approved for a Walgreen’s. I was under the impression that we would be seeing construction soon, but so far no signs of progress.” [PhillyBlog]
SOUTH PHILLY: The Pennsylvania Horticultural Society is designing planters that would add some color to the sidewalks and capture stormwater runoff. There are two designs being considered right now, and the planters will appear around the city in the very near future. The kinks are still being worked out with the type of plants that will be in the planters, because they are going to have to have some very tough plants if they are going to survive on the streets of South Philly. [PW]
CENTER CITY/UNIVERSITY CITY: This morning, Mayor Nutter spoke about the notion that parking meter rates are going to increase in Center City and University City. The price increase is meant to help ease congestion and discourage drivers from actually using the meters, which causes drivers to to drive around in circles having to find a spot. (Say it with me: “What?”) The prices as of now are 25 cents for 15 minutes, and the price rise could be effective as early as late fall this year. [KYW]

Something happening in your ‘hood? Let us know at tips[at]philebrity[dot]com.

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South Philly Man-For-Others Detained By Vietnamese Government

From all accounts, Charlie Ly sounds like the kind of guy that helps to make the South Philly diaspora — that awesome seven-layer burrito of race and culture down there — work, when there is much about the system that doesn’t. Ly is a civic leader in South Philly, and according to fellow traveller Vern Anastasio, over the years, “He helped create the Bella Vista United Civic Association, [and] he’s also helped thousands of Vietnamese people come to Philadelphia, stay here legally and grow businesses and families here. Throughout this time, Charlie became a civic leader beyond the immigrant community. He is one of many quiet and humble civic leaders in Philadelphia who toil in the fields of community service looking for no recognition, credit or accolades.” But on the way home from a trip to his native Vietnam in July, Charlie was detained by the Vietnames government, and he’s been there ever since. Many in his community only learned of it when a U.S. paper for Vietnamese picked up the story from the national Vietnamese news story. Since then, this release says, “the government of Vietnam [has] confiscated his passport, placed him under house arrest in his hotel, and has interrogated him for many hours daily during these last 18 days.” At present, they’re willing to let him go, but only under the following conditions:

1. He must admit that he went to Vietnam for the specific purpose of visiting a member of the Democratic Party of Vietnam who was just released from a Vietnamese jail. (The primary Mission of the Democratic Party of Vietnam is to persuade the Communist Party in Vietnam, through peaceful means, to recognize the freedoms of the UN Charter and allow multi-political parties, freedom of the press, religion, beliefs, the right to produce private publications, private proprietorship, and the opportunity for the people of Vietnam to live in a free enterprise economy with free entry, exit and travel.)

and

2. Upon arrival back in the United States, that he would not engage in political activities against the government of Vietnam.

Naturally, Ly has refused to do either of these things. He’s an American citizen. And he absolutely must be allowed to come back to the United States, free of the taint that the Vietnamese government is presently trying to force upon him. “Charlie’s life was/is Bella Vista United Civic,” says Anastasio. “He could be seen walking through BV on a daily basis, with the BVUVA Immigrant Outreach Committee office on the 900 Block of Washington Avenue. He worked out of there as much as possible and attended every bv community event, whether it was immigrant outreach related or not. Charlie is a great guy and we need him back in BV. Philly needs him. He’s the anti-Joey Vento here in South Philly.”
We’re going to be following this one as it plays out, but in the meantime, if you’d like to help Charlie, says Alison Sprague of Victim/Witness Services of South Philadelphia, “I would encourage you to contact your elected officials as well as the US Consulate in Viet Nam (84-822-9433 ext: 2159 country code 011) to let them know that we want Charlie to have a fair process and that we are watching how he is treated.”

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Shh! Be Quiet! The Curiously De-Feminized Women Of The Northeast Are TRYING TO THINK!

YOWE HUN! Y’arrr-ent gonna trwy to rob a banck now, arr yiz? Dint wurk out so gud fur me.

Can you hear something that The Curiously De-Feminized Women Of The Northeast are trying to think about? Send it along to tips[at]philebrity[dot]com.

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Rendell Throws Self On Gaggle Of Frothing Hillbots, Finds Out He’s Ticklish

Our esteemed governor has found himself in the unlikely place of trying to stop a petition that after all this, would put her name back into the nomination at the Democratic Convention. Fun. [via Clout]

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Larry Kane Just Cannot Get A Break

After all these years, who would have ever thought that the ancient once-beloved newsanchor Larry Kane would while out his golden years being the other Larry, and suffering one minor indignity after another? True, he’s kind of earned them, whether it’s his political “blogs” (will someone please tell The Olds that not everything published online is a “blog?”) or the annoying way he’s worked his way into any Google search including the terms “Philadelphia” and “Beatles.” Today comes what is perhaps Larry’s most searing indignity: Being cut from the potential defense witness list for Vince Fumo’s upcoming trial. Have none of you any respect for this Local Broadcasting Legend? Well, let’s see who else got cut: Cardinal Justin Rigali, Bobby Rydell, and former Philadelphia School District CEO Paul Vallas, among others. Heavy hitters all, Lar, so maybe you shouldn’t feel so bad. But wait! Who did make the cut? Oh, the usual in-crowd: Gov. Rendell, Mayor W. Wilson Goode, Bob Brady, Chaka Fattah… DJ Jerry Blavat and Mary Mason. Wait, WHAT? The Geator and that harpy Mary Mason get to go to the big dance and your old friend Larry (Kane) doesn’t get at least the respect of an invite? For shame, Vince Fumo, for shame.
Inky: Can You Check Again? I’m Sure I’m On The List

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This Evening: So This Is Where It Ended

>>> We know that on some level you have to be wondering how, now that coke-rap, electro-as-the-new-emo, unironic techno and one thousand LastNightsParty.com knockoffs have definitively jumped the shark, all of this shit is going to play out the rest of its days. We’ve figured it out: It’s going mainstream. It really will be the new emo. And Millionaires, who play the Barbary at an early all-ages show this evening, are going to be the Spice Girls-cum-Dashboard Confessional of the whole scene. See them tonight, and just try not to look like a young John Hinckley seeing his first Jodie Foster movie. Sigh.
>>> Related sartorially: Secret Machines do that free thing at Urban Outfitters in West Philly at 7pm, Dave P deejays.
>>> Friendly update: Radiohead with Grizzly Bear at the Susq (sold out, sorry, try Craig), Margot And The Very Long Band Name/An American Chinese at First Unitarian, Lucero and whoa is that Townes Van Zandt’s son at the North Star, and Snacks at Woody’s. Holy hell, and hell-o, totally fucked Wednesday!
>>> But really, it’s just beautiful outside. Drop whatever you are doing. Get off the Internet. Take a bike ride. So awesome. See ya tahmarrah!

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Congratulations, Philadelphia! You Are Now The Home City To THE SHITTIEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD!

You may sometimes ask yourself, while standing over your bathroom sink each morning, how best you might become the kind of piece of shit that our forefathers could have never even dreamed of. As you brush your teeth, you may wonder, “Like, I know Dina Lohan is bad, but I am talking like whole new levels of debasement and shitty behavior, like not even the fun kind, just like, how do I become the lowest form of human life possible, to the point where death or imprisonment is just not even an option because either one looks like a vacation when compared to the truly horrific mess of my own actions, both personal and public?” You spit out your toothpaste. You go to your office and turn on your computer. While visiting your favorite news sites, you discover that Andrea and Daniel Kelly have filed filed a wrongful-death lawsuit against the state and city.
You pause. A somewhat pained smile comes over your face. “See?,” you think to yourself. “That’s why I’m not in the Piece-of-Shit Business.”
Clout: “This Is Unfortunately One Of The Most Insane, Obscene And Disgusting Things I’ve Heard In All My Public Life”

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Readers Cameraphone: Philly PD Adopts New, Straight-Talking Slogan

Seeing something around town of note? Cameraphone it to: tips[at]philebrity[dot]com.

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Readers Write: Don’t Hate The Mutlu, Hate The Game

Mutlu is the symptom, not the disease. Helen Leicht is the cancer. She
promotes that line of quasi-exotic, half-caste, non-threatening,
lite-progressive, cool jazz boys (see Amos Lee, Devon Greenwood, Mutlu)
that makes one want to kill kill kill oneself. She’s in charge of the local
music show, yet I defy anyone to say they have actually seen her at a local
show this millennium. A YouTube search pulls up her doing the intro at the
Separate Checks show in 1985 at the Empire Rock Club. Urchhk.
Don’t use my name. The XPN folk nazis are everywhere.

Actually, that’s Lyn Kratz, not Helen Leicht. But we get what you are saying. Your secret is safe with us.

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If Our Research Is Correct, Chase Utley Will Be Living Very Close To Philebrity HQ

This item in Klein the other day about Chase and Jen Utley plunking down $4.19 mil for a Center City condo caught our eye — so much so that we had to start digging. And what we found, if it’s true, purports to be awesome news: Chase Utley is moving to Northern Liberties. Dig the Klein descip:

a tricked-out, bilevel, three-bedroom penthouse with more than 3,000 square feet of living space.

How many $4 million dollar condos in the city can match this, we thought. Turns out, not many. We called up a friend in the real estate biz to ask if he could punch up one of those Trend/MLS things (trust us, he’s not busy, nobody is), and lo and behold, click here to see the deetz. Chase Utley, are you the proud new owner of a penthouse apartment on the 21st floor of The Reef Tower at The Waterfront Square Condominiums? If so, welcome to the land of the Standard Tap, The Barbary, and not least, The Reaper. Tell you what, man: It’ll be good to have you. The Friday night scene around here has gotten so meatheaded and choady that a real-deal sluggin’ mofo like yourself just might add a little humility to this hood. Call me if you wanna drink Polish beers at Jerry’s.

Update: We’re hearing that none of this — NONE OF IT! — is right! Yay Philebrity! We’re hard at work on getting the deetz on where Chase’s place really is: Southwest Philly. Sike. No, but seriously: This is all wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. With any luck, we’ll have the real deal tomorrow, as well as a rundown on places nearby where you, Chase Utley, can drink in peace in your new ‘hood. Hint: This list pretty much begins and ends with the Locust Bar.

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Noontime Nuggetz: Kurt Heasley Is Destroying Your Chat Show Set In A Very Fetching Bowl-Cut

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Rittenhouse Square To Provide Ample Chance For Philly’s Next Howling National Embarrassment Tomorrow

The American People: Is there any one group anywhere in the world more profoundly stupid? Before you answer that, brace yourself: Even though Philadelphia seceded the Union sometime in 1982, we may be the next to bear the brunt of what happens when you let Everyman and Everywoman get on YouTube to ask politicians some, like, totally such as questions for the U.S. educations of Iraq such as the South Africa. (See video at right.) That’s right, U.S. Americans! Tomorrow in Rittenhouse Square, the cameras of the Democratic National Committee will be pointed at YOU, John Q. Public!

In addition to submitting questions online, Americans in eight cities across the country will have the opportunity to record their questions and individual stories in person at a series of “open calls” starting Wednesday, August 13. [...]
Pennsylvania
Wednesday, August 13th
11:00 a.m. - 2:00 p.m.

Center of Rittenhouse Square
Philadelphia, PA

And they say that democracy such as education for the U.S. Americans is beneficial to the peoples of South Africa. Hmph!

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This Just In: Nick Cave To Play Philly For The First Time Since The Invention Of The Internet

Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds

Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Electric Factory
Doors: 7:00 pm | Show: 8:00 pm
On Sale Fri, 8/15 at 10:00 am EDT

We could not possibly be more stoked.

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